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It seems to me that people I know really want the other people they meet to fit into some sort of mold and be everything possible from that mold. This is most evident in love-interest relationships. It’s not so prevalent in normal friend-friend relationships. It does come up there, too, though.

I’m proposing this thought as a possible cause for some common behavior I have noticed. People are especially upset when a friend does something wrong… but even more than just wrong things…. people get upset when their friends do something they would not have expected them to do. When you start to depend on other people for things like love, trust, emotional stability, etc, you start to build a solid image of those people in your head. You base some of your reasoning on those personal images so when those images are shifted by additional real-world input, it takes some time for people to recheck and verify all of their logical constructs. During that verification process, you have had your rug pulled out from under you (so to speak), and are just floating. That tends to make life difficult, hectic and a bit paranoid.

I have been dreaming about failures lately. Mostly love-life failures. Some of the dreams seem to be based on real life, but some of them seem to just be there to try to discourage me or something… or maybe my dream self understands me enough to know that thinking about failing in some area of my life will possibly motivate me to actively think about that end of things and try to improve.

So, maybe it’s a sign that I should be out lookin’ for some lovin’

I cannot go on without the knowledge that other people are seeing what I am doing.

I am unable to exist without some eyes watching me. I am attention-hungry… but I still slink to the back of a room in public situations. I still stay out of conversations and try to not be noticed anymore than my unusual appearance warrants.

I need to know that I am not quite a part of the group, but that the group still knows I am there.

(I think I need to change the name of these postings.)

The Ego Issue.

Is it good for each person to have an ego?

Does that only lead to competition and eventually violence?

Or can multiple egos coexist peacefully?

Most people would like to think so, and I would like to as well.

But I don’t really know.

Bombs do not solve problems.

The older I get, the more I am hurt by military action. I can’t understand the mentality. I try, and I see some sort of basis for the rationale, but it’s just an endless cycle. If people really wanted peace, they would just be peaceful.

Maybe it’s not that simple… but maybe it is.

I saw Mod Squad last night. Very solid entertainment. Great movie. Not high-art, but who doesn’t get sick of art sometimes?

Today was a productive today, but still sort of frustrating because the things I got done were not things I am excited about doing.

I called some insurance companies. I talked to a realtor. I did this and that.

Fun for a day.

Some parts of the world are so complicated still. I was shopping for insurance today… commercial liability insurance. It takes so much time to look through the phone book and call people up and give them the information they need… and then they have to look for good rates and get a quote together and then you have to look at the quotes.

I wish more stuff was online. Interacting with people is so inefficient!

I am always hungry for more. I am not satisfied with what I have. I never am. It’s a bit of a curse. It certainly gets in the way of relationships.

I am not quite a perfectionist because I don’t believe in perfection. I believe that something can always be better or worse.

Things are coming together.

Things are going well.

Things are happening.

And I realize that.

And I am glad about it…

But I still always have that nagging feeling that things could be going even better… I am never content.

But… there are always other people doing other things… and you just have to try to figure out what you need, and then decide if you have that or if you need to work toward getting something more.