July, 1999

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7
Jul 99

Wednesday:

A woman told me the other day that I needed a visit from the men in white coats…

Other people always assume I’m hyped up on mad drugs.

Is it really that hard to interpret my thoughts? I don’t feel insane.
I guess maybe I sound that way?

I think maybe my thoughts just strike too strong of a chord or something… people don’t want to deal with these issues. People don’t like to think about things that make them uncomfortable…

And people don’t seem to be able to tolerate randomness, either. Once you embrace the notion that everything is random at its roots, it gets a whoie lot easier to just wait for thoughts to come to mind and express them. Just like that.

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7
Jul 99

Wednesday:

When I have something to think about and feel good about, I am a whole lot more productive… there starts to be some sort of a rhyme to everything I do… everything bounces around off of everything else and the momentum builds.

It’s like pinball or something.
I could use more pinball in my life… maybe I should buy a pinball machine maybe.

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6
Jul 99

Tuesday:

I got a message from an old friend today. I haven’t talked to him for 4 years. A lot’s happened over the years, but it still sorta sounds like we might get along ok. That’s good to know.

It’s sort of neat to think that you could part ways with a person or a group of people and still end up following roughly the same sort of path… I guess it’s a social inertia sort of thing. People really do move in a fairly predictable direction.

I do like to try to be as unpredictable as I can, though… and I’m attracted to people who do the same.

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6
Jul 99

Tuesday:

I put my brain and body through the proverbial wringer a little too often, sometimes, I think. Somehow I managed to get through most of today with only 1 and a half hours of sleep… and now I’m up again after a 4 or so hour nap.

I do fantasize about managing to live this way all the time, though… It seems like it might be possible… especially if you have enough things to keep you busy (and I do).

But, then, whenever I sort of try to do it a little… I find myself getting tired and gradually slowing down… I think maybe it’s a reaction to the conflict of my schedule and the normal world time schedule. I try to just do what I want and/or need to do when I need to do it, but I do also have to do things for other people so some effort has to be made to merge schedules…

It works out, but I have to sleep more than maybe I would have to in a completely free-form situation.

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3
Jul 99

Saturday:

my heart beats
inside my head
and my fingers drum
on the desk

the clock says now
and my stomach creeps
how do I know
what I think I feel?

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3
Jul 99

Saturday:

Dealing with other people’s whims and wants is so difficult. And other people do have whims and wants, don’t they?

For every decision, there is always an equal and opposite opposition. When you’re growing up, it’s easy to wonder why we’re not farther along as a species… and then you start working and notice that most people don’t have any real ambition or plan for the future…

People have no goals. They want to buy this or that or get laid or get drunk or whatever, but what do they really want to do?

Do they want to make some change in the world around them? Or even just make the world more beautiful?

I guess maybe I might be being a little hard on people. It is difficult to get up in the morning and go to work and do the whole life thing and still have time and energy left over to be a hero.

But I guess it’s sort of a cycle because you wouldn’t have to be a hero to change the world if everyone just worked together… one person alone has to be might strong to move a river.

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