Rabbits go hop hop hoppitty.
And I care.
Birds go tweet tweet twippity.
And I care.
Friends go giggle giggle gaffaffity.
And I care.
And that’s what makes me happy.
September, 1999
30
Sep 99
Thursday:
30
Sep 99
Thursday:
Poke your finger in my eye, and then roll it around until I start to giggle… and then stick another finger in my nose… and push it up and up until you can feel the squish squish squash of my brain.
And then take out the first finger, quite foribly, so as to remove my eye, and then wiggle around that second finger until my brain starts to seep out of my nose, and then make me open my mouth and suck my dripping brains down into my throat so I can choke on it.
will that make you happy?
29
Sep 99
Wednesday:
prying open my eyes, I turn and take in the warm stare of the sunbeams coiling through the trail of the smoking incense stick and the holes in my ratty curtains.
This is not happiness, but for a moment, I might mistake it as such. I guess maybe it just doesn’t really matter. I feel this and that from day to day, and it doesn’t seem to help for me to figure out what this and that are. Thinking about things like that pretty much just makes me forget things. It makes me forget things like how I have lived my life to get where I am now and how I might continue to live my life to stay where I am… or maybe to continue on the path I’ve been going on. I guess staying in one spot is not much different from continuing on one path without question… or even from continuing down one path with lots of unanswered questions.
I am here, though. Right?
29
Sep 99
Wednesday:
American beauty is seriously amazing.
That’s the comment I have.
It made me cry at the end. Not a lot, but a little.
There’s a lot going on all the way through and it really picks on some provocative issues.
See it with some people you love. Not your parents… people close to you that you haven’t known your whole life.
Why? I dunno. That’s how I did it, and it was great. Of course, that’s how I do most things. I’m like that. ahahhh.
27
Sep 99
Monday:
smoking the smoke
pouring from an empty gun
I suck it up
and fuck it all, I grin!
when I am on target
and living my life
the process
is fundamental, it’s right
I do what I know
and I know what I feel
and I feel what I am
and I am color and shape
the prism I see through
divides and separates
but nothing can stop me
from making my place
I know I am not alone because you are here with me now. Together, we have thought these thoughts and that unites us. We are not one, but we are more than two.
27
Sep 99
Monday:
trembling and tumbling
yellow and mauve
draining my semen
with a sharp, cold stick
conflicts within me
crumble my success
eyes, dry and wide
I stumble, tumble on
into the night
and on to the day
I hope so anyway
26
Sep 99
Sunday:
disaster!
stupid dunderhead crackers decided to fuck our shit up.
we’ve been working constantly for a few days now to fix everything, and more things are coming up broken all the time.
this will never happen again, we’ll make sure of that. but it still sucks this time.
26
Sep 99
Sunday:
I got a super-duper inspiring nice email today. I really need those emails at times like these.
I managed to get out of the building to hang out for a bit last night. The server problems had to sit and wait, but I needed a break.
here’s a poem:
sloppy joes
on my plate
I need a bun
before it’s too late!
I get some bread
white and dry
and then I stick the meat and synthetic flavoring mixture between it
and then I eat
16
Sep 99
Thursday:
I have an aversion to the “real world” overall, and I tend to want to ball up when real issues come up. I know not everyone is like me, and I really do prefer it that way, but sometimes I really wonder why things can’t be simpler. I wonder why we can’t all just look for the things in life that make us happy and then go with those things. I wonder why friends and family really aren’t the most important thing overall…. or maybe just why so many people seem to forget that they really are.
16
Sep 99
Thursday:
I can drown my sorrows in my head by turning up the music and shooting down the avenue.
I can watch the pretty girls go by and even hope I might catch a glimpse of a smile before I zip away.
I can sit and think while the sun goes down and then up again, and I can praise heaven that I can do that again the next day.
And all of this is true because I believe in hope. I believe that it really is possible for things to get better.
