Some Thoughts I thought on 10.22.00:

Why do so many of my sexual fantasies involve hurried sex with women I have just met and will quite possibly never see again? What's the lure of that sort of scenario? Is it exciting to know that this is just sex and nothing more for both people? Am I just turned on by the fact that I don't have to worry about doing something to offend this person? Am I generally inhibited by the knowledge that I might have to defend my actions at a later time?

That all seems possible, but for some reason just doesn't really jive with the way I usually think about relationships in real-life. I think maybe that might be part of it also... I want my fantasies to be as far removed from reality as possible so I don't have to regret anything I happen to fantasize about. I tend to fantasize about real women that I see and notice out and about in the streets. Its those women that I take note of and keep a carefully filed fleeting memory of, but don't ever walk up to or talk to, and don't ever intend to. Those are the characters in my fantasy life. Most of the time.

Then there are also a few people that I do allow across that line. There are a few people that I have constructed different versions of in my head. I see and treat these people one way in day to day interactions, but quite another in my fanatasy mind. Sometimes, I think the way I treat them in fantasy is how I would like things to be in reality, but other times I don't really think so at all. Other times, I think I do fantasize about those people because I know those fantasies will never have to be compared to any real-world happening.

All this time spent thinking about why I fantasize the way I do. It seems like I could spend more time really trying to turn those fantasies into reality. But it also seems like I could just spend more time trying to turn reality into fantasy... dream-like and beautiful. Yeah, I suppose. My fantasies aren't really so beautiful necessarilly.

I did have a dream the other night that I might consider beautiful. I was sitting on a rock out in the sun, and lot of other people were gathered around, as we were all looking towards a main speaker or organizer, and I got the sense that we were just coming together for the first time and were going to try to work together to do something new and fresh. And everything seemed very new. And there was a lot of hope going around. And I had no shirt on, and I didn't mind. Ahaha. I was still white and skinny, though.


daily beating || daily blessing || weekly shine