Some Thoughts I thought on 11.05.98:
Oh. So there I suddenly found myself. Smack dab in the middle of a career and a profession. Most of the people I hang out with do pretty similar things and even think about a lot of things in pretty similar ways. I'm what might be called a big boy, now. Who would've thought? I'm finding myself giving and receiving rain checks for dinner meeting appointments. I'm finding myself actually showing off my new electronic communications devices. I'm a professional geek.
But it's not like I'm not comfortable with that. It's not like I actually do poke my slowly growing (but still quite small!) waistline-pudge very often. It's not like I look at myself in the mirror with no shirt on and sort of breathe in and out and watch to see if and when my ribcage sticks out. Nope. You won't catch me doing stuff like that. I am comfortable with who I am and what I represent. I don't feel guilty about all the commercial excess and waste that is so evident in the high-tech industry and that I have to take part in to lead the so-called high-tech lifestyle. Nope.
And I do feel ok about the fact that I actually look forward to upcoming releases of operating systems and I'm even ok with the fact that I think I might actually start drooling while looking at pictures of electronic equipment I might buy. All that is ok with me. It fits into the pictures of my future I have formed in my head. (actually, I try not to really think too far ahead as I feel it spoils the power of the moment somewhat, but I digress).
Everything is pretty much ok, but that word career gets to me for some reason. I used to assume that I would one day have a career. Of course I would assume that. It happens to all successful people, after all. But now, I have issues with what it means to be successful in this day and age. I have issues with the way I'm beginning to lead my life. I have issues with the fact that I can feel the aggression and anger of my youth slipping away. I can feel how the financial security I am now experiencing makes it easier for me to fall asleep at night and even easier for me to sleep until noon the next day. I even have issues with the fact that I can understand all of these things and still not do anything about it.
But... what can I do?