Some Thoughts I thought on 01.09.99:
I had some nice dreams last night. They involved a girl I used to be totally hung up on. It was in high school the last time I saw her. She was so strong. I like strong women. I like strong people in general, and strong women make me happy as a clam. Anyway, she was the kind of girl that probably turns some boys off, but makes others absolutely crazy.
I guess I can't really say I was absolutely crazy about her, but I still think about her now, even though I haven't seen her for almost 6 years. And I dreamed about her last night. It was a nice dream. We somehow managed to be at the same carnival-like event and we bumped into each other. She just sort of emerged from the crowd. We stopped in front of each other and then we hugged and I hugged her in a manner that made it very clear that I had been holding feelings for at bay for quite some time. She was pleasantly surprised and commented on it. She felt the same way. Of course.
But it was just a dream. And I woke up and it was over. I am completely out of communication with her and there really is no way for me to find her now. And what would come out of it, anyway? We're so out of touch. I'm not even sure we'd have anything to talk about. What's the point?
But I think this is really more about those lost moments. Those times that will never return. That unfinished business. Things you should have said and moves you should have made. You can't go back and fix up all those loose ends.
You have to do it now. Don't wait for the right moment. Swallow your fucking pride and just go for it. The worst you'll get is a slap in the face, and that sting will fade in time. That feeling of "what if..." just never goes away. And if you stack enough up them up, you can really develop quite an inferiority complex. You'll eventually just stop trying altogether for fear of failing.
You don't want that. And I don't want that for you.
So just do it.
And take some extra time off while you're at it.
And maybe this dream was telling me something more. It's quite likley that this person in this dream did not actually represent the person portrayed. It's one of those narrative metaphor things. It might just be representing a situation from the past that I have definitely acknowledged and accepted. Maybe it's telling me not to let it happen again.
Good advice, I'd say.