Some Thoughts I thought on 02.05.99:
I've been thinking about money and about my role in the business world. I am having troubles coming to terms with it all. I am becoming something I used to hate. I am realizing that all hatred is relative. I don't hate myself as much as I thought I would if ever in this position. In fact, I'm not sure that I hate myself at all.
I run a small, growing internet business. It's going pretty well. We are growing faster than we ever expected. Actually, we never put much thought into where we might go or what we might become. We are trying to think about it now, but there are so many options, and we are still so young... as a business, and personally.
We are babies and we must be very wary not to be molested by the toddlers around us. The toddlers do not want anyone else to mature beyond where they are at. If one baby were to grow up to be say... an adolescent, then all of the toddlers would look quite foolish. It would turn the world on its heels. Things would really start to happen. I feel so much like everything that goes one these days is really just a bunch of crap in the long run. We are not going anywhere in a real sense. We are playing with our toys. We are obsessed with this physical reality. We do not realize that this is nothing. This is nothing. There is so much more that you cannot see and you cannot reach out and touch with your fingers.
If you can forget about your body and forget about the chair beneath your butt and the clothes on your body. Think about your inner self floating in a sea of your own desires and feelings and beliefs... think about that sea mixing with the seas of the other people you hold most dear. Think about what you can do with a thought like that.
I want to be so much closer to the people around me, but I am not allowed to be. Maybe I don't allow myself. I don't know. Something stops me. And I don't know what else I can do. I am trapped with only my own fears. They taunt the baby. And the baby cries. That's what babies do.